you never hit rock bottom

i don't even know if rock bottom exists.  i've heard people talk about in AA meetings but even when i was at my lowest i always knew that there was somewhere lower down below.  

i've been making ends meet, even if barely, thanks to unemployment. not much can be said about living off government hand outs except they never give enough.  sure, they'll bail out major companies for billions of dollars (even as executives continue to give themselves lavish bonuses and take extravagant vacations) but forget about trying to do much with what they give the general public.

at least my work seems to be picking up sporadically.  but even that is a constant reminder of what i saw so clearly as a child:  wealth and fame are an illusion, and if you live your life in pursuit of it you will die spiritually empty.  besides, when you die you cant take it with you anyhow. 

what i didn't know, until now, is that if you are constantly rejecting the natural flow of things - no matter how repelling it may be -- you cease to grow, and to live, and to find fulfillment and peace, which pretty much means the same thing: you spirit begins to wither and die, empty, alone.

unless you find that which makes you truly happy and pursue it, you will never be at peace.  at some point, you must let go of all things that you cannot change along with the things that you despise.  your external experiences come from within.  and if you are not happy to begin with how do you expect things to turn out?